20 London Observations

Orright then.

After a week of doing nothing but sorting stuff out and combatting the Etihad flu while trekking all over the city of London, here are some of my general observations to celebrate my first week as a Londoner. I serve these up keeping in mind most of you have also been to or come from London and that I've also been here a few times before and have had most of these pop into my head before. Accuracy and objectivity not included. All generalisations are the result of the author's fever.

1. Londoners simply do not laugh during discussions and get-togethers, no matter how animated, excited or happy they are. They just don't laugh. Strange but true. Multiple Aussie friends confirm this from independent observations. (apologies to any and all Brits on this list who've lived here).

2. If you plan something involving travel on the Tube, kiss your schedule / reputation for reliability goodbye. Good but rubbish at the same time.

3. Everything you eat in London has half the flavour of its equivalent in Australia. I have scientifically verified this as a fact.

4. Getting to the train at London Bridge Station during rush hour is a officially a contact sport and, I suspect from its popularity, is being considered as a 2012 Olympic exhibition event.

5. London females - not a looker amongst 'em. I may be wrong or maybe I have high standards or expectations (I blame you entirely, Factor), but Australia's female population is streets ahead in the phwoarr stakes from what I've seen to date (again, apologies to all Brits reading this - note I've limited this to London).

6. If you step outside without an umbrella into a sunny day it will rain on you. Hard. And perhaps sweep any small children with you into the nearest drain (check out any British news website for the last few days).

7. There are no public toilets. At least none that I've been able to find. Good excuse to duck into a pub every few hours though.

8. English television can cure any good mood you may have.

9. Every London flat has at least one room that has no opening to the outside world. And smells like mould. Or cabbage.

10. London's Mayor, Boris Johnson, looks more and more like a circus clown who's just finished removing his makeup the more you see him on tellie. Someone needs to check his CV.

10. Water pressure - look it up, Boris. Seriously. How does anyone get soap or shampoo off themselves with the feeble dribble they give you here? It's like trying to open a door with a lettuce leaf.

11. If you unconsciously navigate by the sun and come from the southern hemisphere, you will get lost all day, every day and have suss men carrying nothing but what they keep playing with in their pocket following you until you reach a Tube station.

12. No matter how cold a day or night is, you will be sweating like a chav in a spelling bee after 2 minutes down in the Tube.

13. All Londoners can determine how long ago an Australian arrived in London after approximately 4-5 words of conversation.

14. Tesco's checkout staff are officially the most miserable people this side of Darfur.

15. The rest of London's population outside Tesco's is surprisingly more polite and friendly than they look - which is saying something, as most of them look like they'd happily Taser you if you got in their way walking down the street (see Observation 4).

16. Some of the Caribbean / African dudes walking around in London are easily the most attractive, well-put-together male specimens on the face of the Earth. This is not up for debate. Yes, I know how that sounds. You need to see these guys if that even popped into your head. Ridiculously unfair.

17. Milwall soccer fans could be dropped into war-zones to headbutt everyone into submission.

18. Any Londoner living within Zone 1 (close to the city centre) will grimace when you tell them you either work or have looked at flats in zones further out than Zone 1, and use the words "dodgy" or "colourful", which is Zone 1 code for "Stabsville" or "Seventh Circle of Hell".

19. London's tabloid newspapers are even worse than what you've heard - pray to god you never achieve any sort of fame whatsoever, because they will hear about you and find you and make you and your family, your friends, your ex-schoolmates, your work colleagues and your pet goldfish pay for it.

20. The buzz of this place is different in every suburb, but altogether fantastic. You don't get this kind of buzz anywhere else I've ever been.

There you go. That takes the place of me having any interesting news to report. You see how I did that? Nifty, wasn't it? Go on, don't act like you don't love it. I even slipped in an extra observation, just because it's my blog and I can. Hope you're all well.