LIFE BACK IN BLIGHTY

Great Odin's raven, could it really be a week-and-a-half since I bag-of-chalked back in the Roger from New York already? Where'd that go? I'm so shocked I'll be using cockney rhyming slang for the next few paragraphs.

Well, to sum it up, I've not done much but horse-and-cart about at work trying to catch up with thousands of urgent emails so that I don't end up on the Adrian Mole. That, and trying not to spend more than an Ayrton Senna per day (less than a Lady Godiva would be even better) as the ol' cab rank's a bit empty, and taking the dancing bears instead of the lift to try and regain some fitness, seeing as I haven't been near the Benny Hinn for weeks now (not keen on losing any more pieces-of-eight, y'feel me, guv'na?).

Oh yeah, and today I had my first court appearance for work. Had the distinct pleasure of being verbally skewered by a Tom Sawyer with a habit of constantly fiddling with his orchestra stalls as if he had a bad case of the Sandy McNabs. Well distracting, let me tell you. Didn't help that the policy base I was working from is completely up the Gary Glitter - more holes in it than a fishing net. I needed a Porta-Hole to throw down and disappear into.

Other than that I don't have much more wooden pews, personally. Coming up, I've got to find a titfer' for a dress-up birthday Moriarty next Friday night. Also have a weekend in Malta in January locked in (thanks fam! top Xmas pressie), as well as 2 weeks in Sri Lanka in February (should be an unbelievable lemon&lime, can't wait).

Right then, enough self-amusement. Here's what else has been happening here lately:

NEWS

You Say Recession, I Say Depression

In a sure sign that the Four Horsemen of the Financial Apocalypse are thundering down the final straight, retail behemoths Woolworths and BMI (homewares) both announced today that they're skint, the banks have called in all their debts and they're officially going under. 135,000 jobs or thereabouts gonnnnnnnnnnnne. The response from the government to the slavering feeding frenzy that is the UK's media was: "No bailout".

Oh, Thank You Darling

Alistair Darling, the UK's Chancellor of the Exchequer (that's publicschool-ese for Treasurer, don't you know, old bean) did the political equivalent of tempting a lost, hungry racehorse into his barn with sugarcubes this week by slashing the VAT. The government's publicly-stated reason for doing so is to keep all those rotund little Prada-consumers shopping their vacuous brains out leading up to Xmas and thereby avert an absolute economic disaster. I call it a blatant grab for votes in the next election and a desperate attempt to stop the villagers taking up the pitchforks and torches.

Do More, Damn You! With Less!

What a shock - more recession news. PM Mr Bean.... sorry, Gordie Brown made the suggestion that all the UK's local governments must make over 1.5 billion pounds' worth of "efficiency cuts" before the end of the financial year. Because the local governments are so flush with cash right now. And they're operating so efficiently right now too. An example for illustration: My floor at work seats 110 people and has one scanner. Which only works if you give it a good belting and look menacingly at it. Guess I'll be nipping out to the local internet cafe for all my scanning needs next year. If I still have a job.

Arctic Monkeys

Sunday just gone saw snow on the rooftops south of the Thames, and it's getting that cold again now and for the rest of the week..... with rain every day. Just capital. It's been so cold in the mornings the last two days that I daren't stop moving while outdoors in case the hoarfrost gets at my appendages. Walking to the train station this morning it was so cold I went cross-eyed and my Hampstead Heath felt like they were going to drop out. Did I mention it was getting a tad chilly here? I may be forced to ....(shudder)... go shopping for more warm clothes. I feel like taking a shower after saying that.

And Finally, The World's Most Thrilling, Unbelievably Mind-Blowing News

Yes, in what must surely be the entertainment industry's signing of the century, the new Cinderella pantomime coming out for Xmas here in London has announced it's top-billing star...... STEVE GUTTENBERG!!!!!!!!!!! That's right kiddies, the international acting wunderkind, mesmerising star of such epic and avant-garde opuses as the Police Academy trilogy and........ well, he's taken time out from his gruelling schedule of occasional guest star spots, infomercials and checking his answering machine to bless the good folk of London and the world of panto with his megawatt starpower. I, for one, am absolutely lost for words to describe the extent of my excitement.

Okay, I'm well Kerry'd, so I'll say toodle-oo for now. Hope you're all well :)