(Left to Right, top to bottom) - Keith, our resident eccentric Planner who's been everywhere in the world; Farewell drinks with friends at The Woolpack; My office in Croydon; Farewell lunch with workmates at The Green Dragon, Croydon; Luke, the other Aussie recruited direct from Oz; Wendy, our Kiwi Enviro Planner; Tom, our Chelsea-worshipping, Slayer-loving team Admin officer; Farewell drinks with workmates at The Green Dragon
So, how would I sum up the experience? Well, London's far from my perfect conurbation by a long way. The things that make London less than an ideal place for me to live wouldn't change a bit with a few more sunny days, a few more people in the parks and a few more festivals, so I'm really not too fussed about missing "summer" here, for example. But it hasn't been all bad food and teeth-gnashingly-miserable weather. Hows abouts I summarise the highs and lows of Londinium after 8 months "on the ground" - I'll start with the rubbish aspects of it all so I can finish on a high:
THINGS I WON'T MISS
- Croydon Payroll and HR departments - I can confidently say that I have never, in my entire 34 years, been f*cked around by any institution as completely and effectively as by these two departments. Ever. Full-stop. I was but a small wave of reason and indignation breaking futilely against their vast cliffs of indifference, ineptitude and hostility. I'm almost 100% sure they were all trained by Soviet bureaucrats from the 1950's. Thanks for nothing. Literally - their incompetence left me with a final pay cheque of zero pounds, zero pence. Nothing like working for free for a whole month. Happy days.
- London's Pedestrians - Maybe it's because they're such a polite, well-mannered society that they walk like angry-yet-coordinated drunks. All that repressed aggression has to be expressed somehow. And what better way than to make like a front-rower hitting it up on the first tackle when you're walking to and from work? They walk faster than New Yorkers and sidestep as often as a rhinoceros. Do not play Chicken with a London pedestrian. You will lose.
- Inefficiency - Nothing, and I do mean nothing, works as well as it should. I've had it lucky in Brisbane. Utilities, public transport, banks, phone companies, the Internet - in London they're all hamstrung by more rules, regulations, guidelines and laws than you or I could read in a year, by staff who think initiative means shaking off after they're finished at the trough / who act like the rest of their organisation is an enemy state, and by assets that suffer from the "efficiency maximisation" ethic (ie. getting half-*ssed contractors to do things as cheaply, and therefore as shoddily, as possible). All of this in a rich Western country with a huge GDP, access to the pinnacles of modern technology and equipment and (most importantly) some of the slickest and best advertising in the world that sets you up with sky-high expectations that everything should, and will, work smoothly for you at all times. Which is, of course, an utter load of sh*t.
- Lifestyle - I've mentioned this before. Words like "sedentary", "drinking every day", "entertain me" and "jaded" sum it all up. Oh, and the fact that Londoners eat more cr*p than a German porn star also gives me the irrits as well.
- Ugly Contemporary Architecture - Slowly encroaching on London's surviving architectural triumphs like a horrible grey species of fungus are swathes of buildings that look like they were designed either during an epileptic fit or after three too many Valiums. Sweet jesus, but there's some horrifyingly ugly new stuff here. Croydon seems to have more than it's fair share. Let's see, in a grey, overcast city we're aiming to brighten things up a bit and show the world how forward-thinking and creative we are, so lets build ..... a rectangular apartment tower out of grey concrete with no balconies or other colours!! Eureka!! Capital idea, old chap!
- Sports "Coverage" - Soccer. Rugby. Cricket. Tennis. Formula 1 Racing if Lewis Hamilton/Jensen Button are winning. That's it. No other sports are played anywhere on the planet according to the UK media.
- Hate to be sound like I've become a stereotype, but yes, the weather sucks. Cue shocked gasps. Not really a big deal, but I can't stand how much it impacts on the populace here. I'm solar-powered myself, but Jesus H Christ, get over it people. There's only so much whining I can listen to before it starts bringing me down as well. Tip: If your news outlets consistently lead with the weather as their top story over, say, thousands of job layoffs or the war in Afghanistan, you know there's a problem with your national psyche.
THINGS I WILL MISS
- Manners - Errr, having blasted London's pedestrians above I will say this - if you actually do collide with one of them while they hurtle about their ambulatory business, they'll apologise, even if it was their fault, without fail. Even if it's sometimes said with a withering look that would incinerate an Eastern European coffee-shop worker's icy demeanour. This politeness seems to extend across the social strata here - old, young, male, female, gang member, businessman, it doesn't matter, they all automatically apologise. Sometimes it's almost as if the apology is out of their mouth before their brain has registered that I was the one who wasn't looking where I was going, like a verbalised burp. I've been barged by a vicious-angry-looking 6'8" Afro-Carib guy bedecked in gold jewellery and an eye-watering polyester tracksuit and turned around expecting to be dodging a blade or a fist the size of a Christmas ham. Instead I was gently asked if I was alright and showered with lashings of apologies - the guy was almost salaaming me. Ahhh yes, it's going to be tough coming back to Australia and putting up with the aggressiveness of all those call-centre operators and female Hyundai drivers and the gladiatorial competitive humour Aussie males seem to so desperately need to make themselves feel like real men. Did I just say that? Ooo. You all know it's true.
- The History - I've already gotten all moony-eyed over this aspect of London in a previous entry here, so I'll refrain from going on about it again and inspiring you to click back to that side-splittingly-amusing YouTube video of the dog pulling it's owner's pants down while your boss is at a meeting. Suffice it to say that, if you're a history buff (tick) and have more than a passing interest in urban areas (tick), London's ability to wear all its eras on its sleeve simultaneously can be fascinating.
- Unexpected opportunities and places - aye, there's a few of 'em in London. Guess you get that in a city that's been occupied and growing higgledy-piggledy for over two thousand consecutive years and has 7.4 million people living here hailing from all over the world.
- Public transport - Yes, it takes a minimum of 45 minutes to get as far as a 45-minute walk would take you, and sometimes the delays are so bad you start contemplating taking a change of clothes, a cut lunch, a toiletry bag and a pillow with you on your next trip to Waterloo or Oxford Street, but at least the public transport network actually goes pretty much everywhere. Unlike Brisbane, where you also have a choice between rush-hour trains that look like they're on their way to Auschwitz or the Tokyo CBD, buses driven like either electric wheelchairs or Paris-to-Dakar vehicles by hot-tempered new immigrants that arrive 25 minutes later than scheduled and 5 minutes after you've missed the start of your interview, and ferries that can take you anywhere you want - as long as it's along the river. I won't even deign to lower myself to mention Sydney's system. Drug deal with a side order of graffiti, anyone? I'll take London's transport network over either Brisbane's or Sydney's any day.
- The view from the front door of my gym every morning - Sounds a little strange, to be sure, but seeing the Tower Bridge, the Tower of London, the Egg building, the Gherkin, HMAS Belfast and the Thames all in front of me as I emerge in the pre-dawn light every morning before the tourists sullied the view was a pretty damn fine way to start the day.
- The Jamaican "Big Issue" seller/ storyteller on the London Bridge Station overpass - this tall, rangy Rasta dude sat on the overpass every second morning with his pile of magazines for sale, loudly telling a stream-of-consciousness story to the passers-by in his rich, slow Jamaican voice. Thing was, he was incorporating the passers-by into his story, telling our stories as he saw them in our faces, clothes, walk, etc. He was always cheeky and made me grin like a gimp for far too long afterwards, so that as I rounded the corner to enter the station the wave of commuters coming out would just see me, alone, no phone to my ear, with a foolish smile all over my mug for no apparent reason. Example: A woman walking towards me as I approached Big Issue dude would pass him first, and the story would change to something like "...and de woman in de red jacket, she be late for work al-ready, she look stressed, mebbe she has a co-worker she likes dat she don't want to disappoint, we ALLLLL been dere, but" (as I pass her and near him) "de tall guy here, he see her every day on dis bridge, he in a hurry too, but I t'ink mebbe it be a hurry to see de red jacket lady, 'coz she fine, and he only human".... and on it would go with the next person, and the next, and the next. Funny stuff some mornings.
So there you go. Overall grade for my time in London - D+. On Thursday I'm off to France on the Eurostar for the ANZAC Day weekend, back here for one night on Monday, then I'm off travelling for a bit. Will attempt to write another blog entry or three about my experiences from the road in the coming months. Hope this finds you all well, wherever you are :)
