CROYDON IN THE NEWS

Well who would’ve thought Croydon was such a wild’n’crazy place? There’s been two, count ‘em, TWO national-news-worthy events here in Costa del Croydon in the last 7 days. And they don't even involve murders (Croydon's having a break from those this week, apparently - something about it being too cold to hold a knife for too long, or something). The locals must be in a veritable frenzy of excitement at getting their rooftops on the box in relation to something other than mugshots……ummmm........

Event # 1: Croydon Councillor Quits After IRA Past Revealed

One of Croydon’s Tory Councillors quit in spectacular fashion last week after a punter at one of Council’s public hearings outed her as being an ex-IRA provisional. Apparently the smug gentleman in question referred to Councillor Maria Gatland by her maiden name mid-rant, then corrected himself by saying he was confused after reading a book she’d written under that name when she was a young’un (cue smirk from punter). Turns out Councillor Gatland was up to her neck in it with an IRA gun-smuggling crew in the ‘70’s and wrote a tell-all book after she broke up with one of the men in the crew and left the whole nail-bombs-‘n’-Guiness thing behind. She go bye-bye very quickly once that little doozy came out. Good to see the Tory Party maintains a strict policy of checking the CVs of all those applying for Party membership, ey?

Event #2: TeenyBoppers Riot At Croydon's Fairfield Hall

Any of you heard of “The X Factor”? If not, it’s basically yet another tv programme from the same cookie cutter as the rest of the “Australia ’s Got Emotionally-Challenged Teenaged Singers Who Can’t Write Their Own Material”-style "talent" shows. Anyhoo, The X Factor producers put on a live show at Croydon’s Fairfield Hall (across the road from my work building) Monday night, and we could hear the screaming of the crazy-eyed fans from the 18th floor at work (through double-glazing) when their favourite plucked'n'primped demi-gods turned up.

The X-Factor producers were out front whipping the crowd into a frenzy (they're not top of the pops in The Bill's books right now as a result), but Fairfield had sent out flyers suggesting the show was free when in reality tickets were needed. Management had also underestimated the power thousands of temporarily-insane young moppets could generate when stimulated by too much advertising, bland pop music, hormones and Red Bull, and kept the doors shut as the keening masses watched They Who Cannot Think For Themselves enter the building. Cue ugliness.

The underage mob got their first unwanted taste of what a Sepultura moshpit is like as large sections of their ranks turned into those zombies from 28 Days Later and tried to storm the barricades in a desperate attempt to keep their Objets du Lust in sight. The paltry handful of security guards on duty immediately got on the blower and ordered up some bacon ala kevlar, who, upon seeing the rabid Children of the Corn they were facing, immediately called in THEIR crowd control specialists. Much of the video footage shot by cameramen silly enough to get near the front of this puzzling mass of insanity looks strangely similar to scenes of starving Bangladeshis or Somalians at the UN food trucks – just with shinier hair, better clothes and more tears.

The damage: Epileptic fits, broken arms and ankles, stomach injuries, asthma attacks, panic attacks, lost berets, hurt feelings, smeared eyeshadow etc etc. A heavily pregnant woman had to be extricated from the tidal wave (one might ask what the hell she was doing there at all) suffering bruising and severe loss of dignity. A handful of screechers had to be taken to hospital suffering sundry broken nails and ruffled bouffants or thereabouts. Apparently some sections even Threw Down and got stuck right into a good old-fashioned, Barbies-and-lip-gloss-at-ten-paces brouhaha, as “feral girl-gangs” got Naomi Campbell on each other with their diamante-studded nails and Hello Kitty phones. Outstanding. If only I’d had the binoculars, I could’ve provided the BBC with a slap-by-slap commentary from my desk.

One thing of note I did see from my lofty perch was the giant, menacing secondary wave of uniform-clad local schoolgirls sweeping across the plaza at 4pm like a phalanx of blazer-wearing Berserkers to fling themselves bodily into the heaving pile of flesh and North Face overcoats that was the "line". They've been described by many in the crowd as being foaming-at-the-mouth wild animals and the cause of much of the trouble. Where's Jamie Oliver when you need him?

Rumours also abound that perhaps the X-Factor judges engineered the madness to dilute the bad press from a contestant's kinky s*x tape that's just been released (much to the delight of Clearasil-dodgers nationwide). A course of action which would be like trying to make up for a 20-vodka-shots-and-arrested Friday night by having a Saturday night doing lines of coke off a public toilet seat in Kings Cross. Probably not going to improve your situation.

News from me - not much. Certainly no inflammatory crowd-baiting or Mick-outing, that's for sure. Went out to yet another centuries-old pub and then a swanky new nightclub last Friday night for a friend's birthday, but sadly there were no papparazzi-worthy moments of hedonism or controversy to be had. I did, however, meet Shane Warne's Biggest Fan In The World - he was my taxi driver on the way home. I didn't get a word in edgewise. Not one.

Cold here, -2 degrees last night, and everyone's dog-miserable or sick or both, dagnabit - so give me the lowdown on some funny stuff that's been happening in your vicinity. Or I'll tell people you all belong to a cult that sacrifices cuddly kittens to Steve Urkel.

Hope you're well!

LIFE BACK IN BLIGHTY

Great Odin's raven, could it really be a week-and-a-half since I bag-of-chalked back in the Roger from New York already? Where'd that go? I'm so shocked I'll be using cockney rhyming slang for the next few paragraphs.

Well, to sum it up, I've not done much but horse-and-cart about at work trying to catch up with thousands of urgent emails so that I don't end up on the Adrian Mole. That, and trying not to spend more than an Ayrton Senna per day (less than a Lady Godiva would be even better) as the ol' cab rank's a bit empty, and taking the dancing bears instead of the lift to try and regain some fitness, seeing as I haven't been near the Benny Hinn for weeks now (not keen on losing any more pieces-of-eight, y'feel me, guv'na?).

Oh yeah, and today I had my first court appearance for work. Had the distinct pleasure of being verbally skewered by a Tom Sawyer with a habit of constantly fiddling with his orchestra stalls as if he had a bad case of the Sandy McNabs. Well distracting, let me tell you. Didn't help that the policy base I was working from is completely up the Gary Glitter - more holes in it than a fishing net. I needed a Porta-Hole to throw down and disappear into.

Other than that I don't have much more wooden pews, personally. Coming up, I've got to find a titfer' for a dress-up birthday Moriarty next Friday night. Also have a weekend in Malta in January locked in (thanks fam! top Xmas pressie), as well as 2 weeks in Sri Lanka in February (should be an unbelievable lemon&lime, can't wait).

Right then, enough self-amusement. Here's what else has been happening here lately:

NEWS

You Say Recession, I Say Depression

In a sure sign that the Four Horsemen of the Financial Apocalypse are thundering down the final straight, retail behemoths Woolworths and BMI (homewares) both announced today that they're skint, the banks have called in all their debts and they're officially going under. 135,000 jobs or thereabouts gonnnnnnnnnnnne. The response from the government to the slavering feeding frenzy that is the UK's media was: "No bailout".

Oh, Thank You Darling

Alistair Darling, the UK's Chancellor of the Exchequer (that's publicschool-ese for Treasurer, don't you know, old bean) did the political equivalent of tempting a lost, hungry racehorse into his barn with sugarcubes this week by slashing the VAT. The government's publicly-stated reason for doing so is to keep all those rotund little Prada-consumers shopping their vacuous brains out leading up to Xmas and thereby avert an absolute economic disaster. I call it a blatant grab for votes in the next election and a desperate attempt to stop the villagers taking up the pitchforks and torches.

Do More, Damn You! With Less!

What a shock - more recession news. PM Mr Bean.... sorry, Gordie Brown made the suggestion that all the UK's local governments must make over 1.5 billion pounds' worth of "efficiency cuts" before the end of the financial year. Because the local governments are so flush with cash right now. And they're operating so efficiently right now too. An example for illustration: My floor at work seats 110 people and has one scanner. Which only works if you give it a good belting and look menacingly at it. Guess I'll be nipping out to the local internet cafe for all my scanning needs next year. If I still have a job.

Arctic Monkeys

Sunday just gone saw snow on the rooftops south of the Thames, and it's getting that cold again now and for the rest of the week..... with rain every day. Just capital. It's been so cold in the mornings the last two days that I daren't stop moving while outdoors in case the hoarfrost gets at my appendages. Walking to the train station this morning it was so cold I went cross-eyed and my Hampstead Heath felt like they were going to drop out. Did I mention it was getting a tad chilly here? I may be forced to ....(shudder)... go shopping for more warm clothes. I feel like taking a shower after saying that.

And Finally, The World's Most Thrilling, Unbelievably Mind-Blowing News

Yes, in what must surely be the entertainment industry's signing of the century, the new Cinderella pantomime coming out for Xmas here in London has announced it's top-billing star...... STEVE GUTTENBERG!!!!!!!!!!! That's right kiddies, the international acting wunderkind, mesmerising star of such epic and avant-garde opuses as the Police Academy trilogy and........ well, he's taken time out from his gruelling schedule of occasional guest star spots, infomercials and checking his answering machine to bless the good folk of London and the world of panto with his megawatt starpower. I, for one, am absolutely lost for words to describe the extent of my excitement.

Okay, I'm well Kerry'd, so I'll say toodle-oo for now. Hope you're all well :)

NOO YAWK? FAWGEDDABOUDIT!!

Right then, the trick here is how to tell y'all about everything I did and saw in my 7 days in Noo Yawk without this turning into something resembling the complete works of Shakespeare. Hmmm. Dot points always seem to go down a treat, so here ya go.

THINGS I DID / SAW / EXPERIENCED IN THE BIG APPLE:

• Stayed for the duration of my trip in Spanish Harlem with my Aussie mate Scott, who's a bar manager uptown. His apartment tower also houses an opera singer and a classical violinist, who would each practice at volume every second day or so - fantastic, so New York.
• The Veteran's Day Parade (complete with hundreds of big, loud, hilarious skinhead NYFD fireys)
• 5th Avenue (the whole thing)
• The vast NBA Store (great for watching classic old games on their big screens)
• The Empire State Building observatory
• The Museum of Natural History
• The Met (for about 15 minutes before it shut!)
• Central Park and the surrounding avenues with their ultra-pricey real estate and flocks of poodles to match
• Macy's and Bloomingdales (yawn - they're just shops, people)
• The USS Intrepid aircraft carrier museum
• The Circle Line Boat Cruise right around Manhattan (if there's one thing I'd recommend if you've only got a few days in New York, it's this - you get to see the amazing change from downtown to the forested northern tip of the island and the gorgeous 300-ft Pallisades cliffs across the Hudson River and everything inbetween, with commentary)
• Grand Central (did a free tour, guided by a guy who is Les Murphy's American cousin, I swear! Fantastic tour, too)
• The Madison Square Garden all-access tour (not too bad - plus you get $20 Knicks tickets if you show your pass after the tour!)
• Two, count 'em, two New York Knicks basketball games - great atmosphere, upgraded our seats on our own initiative each time..... ahem.
• Times Square (about 25 times - involuntarily!)
• Two ultra-famous outdoor basketball courts that hosted players like Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Dr J in their youth and after they'd turned pro, not to mention hundreds of other NBA players who've come along each summer to pit their skills against the uber-talented streetballin' New York locals. Rucker Park (Harlem) and The Cage (Greenwich Village).
• The Cathedral of St John the Baptist up in Harlem (3rd largest in the world)
• Explored Harlem in its entirety, and basically every single neighbourhood south of Harlem - Hells Kitchen, Greenwich Village, Little Italy, Chinatown, Tribeca, Soho, Wall Street and the Financial District, the East Village, the Lower East Side, etc etc. No idea how many km's I racked up, but it was plenty, I'm tellin' ya. Went just about everywhere on Manhattan.
• Even went out to Queens one night, but that was a mistake - the only subway I got wrong the whole time I was there!

And here's the best part - I did it all on just over $350USD. Yep, the free accomodation with Scott (cheers mate) knocked the cost of living way down, but all this talk about New York being expensive is loco, esay. Food is ultra-cheap, so's the public transport if you get the right MetroCard, and how many handbags and shoes do you REALLY need to buy when you're there? Get out of the McBland I-could-be-in-any-city-on-Earth chain stores and go find the real stuff, people. Not to buy, to experience.

And the people. New Yorkers rock. This may come as a wee surprise to those of you who know how anti-American I am, but I was out on the streets from early morning til sometimes after 8 or 9pm and it was non-stop politeness (genuine, mind you, not the saccharine Disney stuff other Yanks sometimes lay on), cheerfulness, vibrancy, comedy, friendliness and flat-out helpfulness the whole way. I could easily spot the New Yorkers from the "other" Americans too - something about the out-of-towners seemed a bit harsher and they stuck out once they opened their gobs.

The only other place where I've had so many offers of help from strangers on the street is Seoul, but New Yorkers are funnier and far more gregarious than South Koreans (hmmm, looks like Captain Obvious just entered the conversation). Not that I was always getting such offers, mind you - one day I got asked for directions by 5 different people at different stages of the day, because apparently with my blue-and-black-striped scarf (thank you soooo much, Li'l Shakes) and the way I was walking ("You walk like you MEAN it", a gigantic black dude told me) I looked like a local. Curiouser and curiouser.

Harlem was a whole 'nother level above the rest of the city though - I had more hilarious / interesting / helpful / genuine random conversations with strangers of all ages in 4 hours walking around Harlem as the only white face in sight than I did the rest of the week, and the week was full of such encounters. Even got to talk town planning and Marxism for about 20 minutes with a homeless dude outside a diner I'd just left. I ain't going to be trying that here in London, let me tell ya.

Anyway, to sum up, I did New York on the cheap, the weather turned bad halfway through, I had the flu grinding me down every single day I was there and I still had one of the best damn weeks of my life. New York is easily my second-favourite place on Earth outside that big white place down the bottom end, no beg-your-pardons. I could easily go back and live there tomorrow if only those damn visas weren't so hard to get. If you've never been, get yourself a $25 seven-day unlimited MetroCard, get a 2- or 3-day New York Pass to get into as many of the above touristy things as you can manage, and you'll be laughing. So, who wants to meet me there in May?