Friday night - went to the Concrete and Glass Music and Arts Festival at Shoreditch with Scotty (uni mate). Sampled first Brick Lane curry (wasn't too bad - the huckstering by the doormen at every restaurant down the entire street was better) prior to having a wander. Checked out one place that played nothing but '50's hits (surprisingly better than it sounds) then missed out on seeing the main band we went to see - TV On The Radio - but got into another place to see a punk band called - brace yourselves, ladies - Selfish C*nts. Not bad, lots of punk energy from the band and from the crowd, with a bit of beer-spitting courtesy of one punter and even a bit of slam-dancing. Conversations monosyllabic.
Saturday morning - The Final Push. Moved into my flat on Bermondsey Street in London Bridge. Finally got to remind myself what I'd packed on the bottom of the suitcase over a month ago. Good place, big room, Bermondsey Street never stops, close to London Bridge Station, 5 minute walk to the Thames and Tower Bridge - happy snaps are but a free weekend away.
Saturday night - went to dinner at Maggie Jones' in Notting Hill - amazingly charming little restaurant, apparently frequented by Princess Margaret herself, with not an inch of roof visible inside due to the staggering array of rustic agricultural tools, implements and produce hung like a stalactite infestation throughout. Dim lights, French waitstaff, French/New Brit food (try the pheasant - gamey goodness) - get there if you're in this neck o' the plantation.
Sunday - purchased a 160pound overcoat after a total of 36 seperate shopping expeditions since I first arrived, simply because its the only one I've found that could actually fit my arm length without making me look like:
(a) I was coming to stab you,
(b) I was on day release from the local mental hospital,
(c) a large, soft church bell, or
(d) I'd been unemployed since the age of 18 and listed "Seven Eleven" as my favourite cuisine.
So to all those fashion designers out there who continue to ignore the fact that the human race does indeed come in a vast array of shapes and sizes, and that the average height and length of said human race is steadily increasing, a massive F*CK YOU. Thanks for wasting over 40+ hours of my life that I could've spent doing something far more worthwhile than having to shop for clothes that fit, you mincing over-inflated little turds. Congratulations on having such a positive impact on society at large with your ever-so-important decisions.
Monday - Made an Argos blunder. Ordered a bunch of homewares for the new flat, like matress protector, clothes airer etc. Went to pick up said items from the store near work in Croydon, and damn near died from a Pulled Everything on the way back. To expand: the matress protector, which I thought would be in a neatly-squashed bundle inside a plastic carry-thing with handles, instead turned out to be a 30kg+, 6-foot Sausage Beast of a thing I had to carry on one shoulder like a labourer carries a plank of wood. While hanging onto numerous oddly-shaped items with the other. People ran for cover at the sight of me staggering down the footpath towards them. The matress protector is still at work in the corner until I muster up the energy and wherewithal to get it home on the train without getting attacked by an angry mob after knocking little Timmy off the platform and onto the 10-gazillion volt railtracks with my giant sausage.
Fun times here. More to come soon, no doubt. You click now! :p
Tuesday 7 October 2008
NEWS FROM THE OLD DART
- UK Knifing Epidemic Set To Reach Highest Level
Yes, that's right, I'm talking Downing Street again, people. After the washing-machine-like lead-up to the Labour Cabinet re-shuffle, PM Gordie's crew has stunned everyone by appointing........ a former Labour MP who's been sacked twice already and who's said to be PM Gordie's most venomous opponent. Confused? So's everyone here. Rumour has it that a few years back the PM said to a reporter "Peter Mandelson once asked me for 10p to call a friend; I gave him 20p and told him to call them all". Even better, a few days before he was re-appointed to government Mandelson unloaded an enormous dump of Brown-specific vitriol to......... a member of the Conservative Opposition. Sounds like they'll get along the way mongooses and rattlesnakes get along. I told you UK politics was far more entertaining than the Australian "Accountants-In-Power" version.
- Can't Cop Racism
You'd think multicultural England would've come a long, long way since the grimy '60's, when football fans still threw bananas at the black players (yes, this happened all the time apparently). But maybe not. The Met's Chief of Police resigned after a week's worth of claims that racism was rampant in the Force (apparently forced out by Bozo the Mayor, of all people - probably threatened him with the ol' water-in-the-eye-from-the-lapel-flower routine). Now the head of the Black Police Association is urging ethnic minorities not to apply for a cadetship with the Police, saying there's indemic racism throughout and black or ethnic officers have to work twice as hard as white officers to get a promotion.
- Febrile Economy Goes From Bad To Vortextual
Someone get me a parachute: according to every single news outlet across the Grey Havens, the UK economy is officially in freefall. Officially classified as a recession now, the UK economy is just one breathless headline of woe and doom after another. The Beeb (as the BBC is referred to by journos with nary a whisp of creativity) carries round-the-clock interruptions of its regular news taking the viewers LIVE ON LOCATION to Wall Street/US Congress/Downing Street etc where sober-looking men in sober-looking suits recount up-to-the-minute developments in the crisis with a finger stuck in their ear and appropriately furrowed eyebrows. Confidence in any of the UK's banks has made like a mango daquiri an AA meeting by disappearing quickly and stealthily. Numerous surveys continue to scream figures like "40%+ of Britons Planning To Leave UK In Coming Year" (wonder where they'll go to avoid the crunch - the UAE's already reached and breached it's Limey saturation point). The four biggest UK banks left (after Lehmans gasped its last) are all pleading, nay demanding PM Gordie deliver a bailout package ala the Yanks and the Paddys. Another Depression looms. Anyone want to go halves in some really cheap shares with me?
Yes, that's right, I'm talking Downing Street again, people. After the washing-machine-like lead-up to the Labour Cabinet re-shuffle, PM Gordie's crew has stunned everyone by appointing........ a former Labour MP who's been sacked twice already and who's said to be PM Gordie's most venomous opponent. Confused? So's everyone here. Rumour has it that a few years back the PM said to a reporter "Peter Mandelson once asked me for 10p to call a friend; I gave him 20p and told him to call them all". Even better, a few days before he was re-appointed to government Mandelson unloaded an enormous dump of Brown-specific vitriol to......... a member of the Conservative Opposition. Sounds like they'll get along the way mongooses and rattlesnakes get along. I told you UK politics was far more entertaining than the Australian "Accountants-In-Power" version.
- Can't Cop Racism
You'd think multicultural England would've come a long, long way since the grimy '60's, when football fans still threw bananas at the black players (yes, this happened all the time apparently). But maybe not. The Met's Chief of Police resigned after a week's worth of claims that racism was rampant in the Force (apparently forced out by Bozo the Mayor, of all people - probably threatened him with the ol' water-in-the-eye-from-the-lapel-flower routine). Now the head of the Black Police Association is urging ethnic minorities not to apply for a cadetship with the Police, saying there's indemic racism throughout and black or ethnic officers have to work twice as hard as white officers to get a promotion.
- Febrile Economy Goes From Bad To Vortextual
Someone get me a parachute: according to every single news outlet across the Grey Havens, the UK economy is officially in freefall. Officially classified as a recession now, the UK economy is just one breathless headline of woe and doom after another. The Beeb (as the BBC is referred to by journos with nary a whisp of creativity) carries round-the-clock interruptions of its regular news taking the viewers LIVE ON LOCATION to Wall Street/US Congress/Downing Street etc where sober-looking men in sober-looking suits recount up-to-the-minute developments in the crisis with a finger stuck in their ear and appropriately furrowed eyebrows. Confidence in any of the UK's banks has made like a mango daquiri an AA meeting by disappearing quickly and stealthily. Numerous surveys continue to scream figures like "40%+ of Britons Planning To Leave UK In Coming Year" (wonder where they'll go to avoid the crunch - the UAE's already reached and breached it's Limey saturation point). The four biggest UK banks left (after Lehmans gasped its last) are all pleading, nay demanding PM Gordie deliver a bailout package ala the Yanks and the Paddys. Another Depression looms. Anyone want to go halves in some really cheap shares with me?
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