As Kermit the Frog used to say when reporting live from wherever on Sesame Street, hi ho. Yep, the sun's shining again on London's Indian Summer, people are out and about in shorts and t-shirts all over the place on the weekends and you'd think they'd be happy about it. But nope, everyone's Chicken-Littling about an impending Sleet Age for the next 6 months or so. Hmmm. At least they're still happy about their sporting prowess. As they keep reminding me. The mongrels.
Things I've Done Since Last Time
- Ground through first 2 weeks of work at Croydon Borough Council. Ropes being learnt. Local information management systems being mentally ridiculed. Lunch with most of team last Friday at the Green Dragon Pub (voted Croydon's Best Pub of 2007 - I do have standards, you realise). Many, many challenges in my role and for the other Australian working under me on Section 106 Agreements, not many of them planning-related, but a lot of opportunity for leaving an impressive legacy as well. To be continued...
- Stumbled across another Bansky mural just off the tourist-drenched Disneyland of bargain consumerism, Tottenham Court Road (see new pics on my Facebook page if you feel like a shoofty). Stencil-licious.
- Had a unique late-night Tube experience on the Jubilee line. Boarded a near-empty train carriage, looked up to find three old men dressed in full British Armed Forces World War Two outfits, complete with heavy woolen tunics, hessian backpacks and pie-plate helmets, puttees, the works, standing there giving each other stick in broad cockney accents. Got chatting - they'd apparently been to their infrantry regiment's last ever reunion that night. Surreal. Walking out of the station into the night following that I half-expected to see searchlight beams sweeping the dark skies above and to hear the rattle-and-drone sounds of Spitfire squadrons giving Jerry's Dorniers a jolly good seeing-to, by jove.
- Had a large-ish night out sampling London's nightlife Saturday night, beginning with dinner at the Chop House of Ye Olde Cheddar Cheese (a gloriously slanty, dark, wood-panels-and-fireplaces 17th century pub that used to be the favourite boozer of Charles Dickens and Dr Samuel Johnson - again, see Facebook pics), going through Soho's bars and ending at Fabric nightclub, one of the world's top dance music venues. Much sweating occurred.
- Finally moved all my 45 kilos-worth of gear to my other friend's place at London Bridge, with views to the Gherkin and Tate Modern from balcony. Still living out of a suitcase but get to move into new flat on Bermondsey Street 800 metres away from here in just over 1 week, and without having to do another hernia carting the gear on public transport.
- Got sconed with a conker dropped from the top of a tree out front of work by introduced grey squirrel, who then came down to eye level and proceeded to berate me for having the audacity to walk under his larder. Have declared jihad on grey squirrels.
More Observations and Absurdities
- Teenage gals here apply makeup as if they're painting a house - primer, undercoat, four or five layers of colour. I believe trowels and paint rollers may be involved.
- The things the Caribbean girls here can do with their hair are nothing short of amazing and, I suspect, worthy of an exhibition in the Tate Modern in some cases. Awe-inspiring.
- Despite the stonking weather numerous locals insist on apologising for it when I tell them where I'm from, as if they've personally been up there tinkering away as if trying to tune a VCR in or something. And they're seriously apologising!
- Marmite. By the beard of Zeus, let it never be compared to Vegemite ever again. You could degrease a coal-truck's engine with the goop.
- Some of the younger teenagers (or "Generation F***ed" as they're referred to by a lot of people here) speak a language that I honestly cannot penetrate. It's got an English flavour, with the occasional "nuffink" and "Wha' yew on abou'?" thrown in, but the chav accent and slang is so thick, and the consonants so smothered in drawling laziness and sucked-in bottom lip that they may as well be Dogon tribesmen for all the sense I can make of it. Tends to really play well with the older, stiff-upper-lip set on the trains as they talk to each other and on their phones at volumes illegal outside airports and construction sites.
- The Borough Markets are my new favourite place on this planet outside Antarctica. Foodie's Nirvana. For those who haven't been - You want pickled wild boar's trotters? Perhaps some sangria for breakfast? Maybe a few goose eggs and a Lithuainian sausage selection? It's all here, and I do mean all, from basic fruit and veg to the high end luxury deli items. Never seen a market like it. Delish.
Newsy Bits
Downing Street's Week of the Long Knives:
After a week under enough pressure from within his own party to turn coal into diamonds, PM Gordon Brown came out at the huge nationally-televised Labour Party Conference and delivered a spine-tingling speech to reaffirm his leadership, evoking the occasional Churchill comparison from the media pundits and giving the dastardly Tories and their free market policies what for. And then. At 3am his Transport Minister was apparently forced to hold a bizarre press conference in a hotel lobby announcing her resignation (apparently she was another rebel) and the Downing Street Gestapo went into gear, tracking down ministers and demanding they affirm their loyalty. Anyone out of contact was immediately considered suss. One Minister was up a mountain in the Andes at a climate change conference and had to borrow a sat phone from a park ranger just to keep his job. And the hits just keep on coming. I find it fascinating anyway. Ahem.
Boris' Fantasy Island
Bozo The Mayor of London floated an idea for a new airport on an island up the river from London. And was immediately pilloried for it by anyone who knows anything about airports. Doo doo doodoodoodoodoodoo doo doo....
Lads for Sheilas
Newspapers here the last few days have been carrying the story about Australia trying to attract English men to solve the Aussie man drought. Much smug guffawing and incredulity from English commentators about why their lads would even consider it. Obviously they don't get out much. Otherwise they would've seen the women around here. Did I just say that?? I'm still waiting to see what the wraps are all about, Factor. And V.
More Nukes
French energy goliath EBN wrapped up a £1.2 billion deal to build 4 more nuclear power plants here in the UK. Am calculating the cost of having all shirts and coats altered to accomodate the extra arm I'm expecting to grow if I decide, for some unforseeable reason, to stay long enough to see these monoliths to clean, green, good-for-the-environment-in-every way nuclear waste producing factories..... I mean power plants, built. Hooray for the free market and for politicians who wouldn't know how to read an EIS if it had pretty pictures and colouring-in sections. Morons.
Westfield Descends On the UK
Yes, friends and neighbours, the Death Star of Australian commercial blandness has begun their Northern Hemisphere Domination campaign in fine style, getting approval to build a £1 billion pound-plus shopping centre right here in London. Apparently the Westfield rep got off at the nearest Tube station on a tour of the surrounding area and asked why it hadn't been renamed the Westfield station yet. No mention yet if his name was Darth. Or Palpatine.
That's about all I've got to report - has mostly been all work and 1-and-a-half hour commutes each way, every day. Have got nebulous, half-formed plans for perhaps Christmas and New Years in Bristol or Newcastle with friends, ANZAC Day at Fromelles in France, a trip to Sri Lanka and perhaps a jaunt over to Ireland. Have 6 weeks of annual leave per year so I'd best figure out what to do with it all, right? Once I get settled in my own place I'll get out into the countryside and drown you all in photos of quaint little villages and little stone bridges and fields dotted with cows. And such. I can feel your anticipation from here.
Hope you're all well - let me know what's happening with the Land of Oz in your part of it.
Tuesday 30 September 2008
Freshen ye drink, guv'na?
Evenin' all. Well, after countless hours of internet struggles I've given up on attaching pics of everything from the last week or so in favour of just getting this damn thing sent at all. Anyway. Has been an interesting and extremely busy week since last I wrote, so, to sum it all up for you....
Things I Have Done Since Last Time:
- Met up with the London branch of my old club basketball team Rocco's in Brisbane for their training session last Wednesday night. 'Twas good to have a touch of the familiar here, and to note that basketballers are the same the world over. And no, I don't mean they're all tall. You wallies.
- Sorted a good room in a great flat on uber-funky Bermondsey Street in SE1 (social stigma avoided -yasssss). Move in the first week of October.
- Finally got my National Insurance number sorted after numerous Tube-induced stuff-ups
- Sourced new suits while haggling with dodgy salesmen. For awhile there I was sure I was back in Luxor, until I stepped out into the rain.
- Went to the polo championships at Windsor on Sunday, which is extremely green and lovely, had a nifty day, met interesting people with interesting accents and was ordered to become friends with people on Facebook. As you do.
- Accidentally stumbled across a reality tv show based on town planners, hilariously called "Here Come The Planners" - a moniker which, for mine, conjures up images of folder-clutching, chino-wearing, spectacle-sporting hordes thundering round a suburban street corner and bearing down on the viewer brandishing application refusals and Information Requests like pitchforks. Was fun, lots of angry residents organising petitions and indignant small business owners trying to cover the camera with their hands. Some of you may have already been aware of this show's existence (I vaguely remember hearing of it), but it's existence proves that you can make a reality show on absolutely anything. Next Up at 7:30pm - Magnum: Practicing Accountant.
- Did a dry run in Croydon last Friday prior to starting work - "colourful".
- Started work for Croydon Council yesterday. So far, I'm thinking I was extremely spoilt at BCC. Old building, one old photocopier between 40, old equipment, decrepit online and information systems. Hmmm. Am waiting to get a better handle on the work itself before passing further judgement. The people are nice though, and the management is at least forward-thinking and open to new ideas. Cue my entrance, stage left.....
Observations and Absurdities Issue 2:
- Plants will grow anywhere here. I've seen ferns sprouting from a working satellite dish and a clump of grass waving jauntily at me from above a passing car's headlight like a cocked eyebrow. Quite charming actually.
- They don't mind a drink here. And sweet mother of God, they eat a lot of starch, wheat and potatoes as well. Heathrow Injection, anyone?
- Learnt about the historical basis for the team colours of Manchester United (red) and Leeds'(white) soccer teams and why they've got such a strong rivalry. In short: The War of the Roses, which began around 1460 between the House of Lancaster (whose emblem was a red rose) and the House of York (whose emblem was a white rose) to see who had the guff and numbers to rule England. Guess where each team is based - Man Utd: Lancashire. Leeds: Yorkshire. Kind of makes the Collingwood versus Essendon "tradition" look a bit put-on, really.
- Every scrap of food on London's supermarket shelves is hermetically sealed in plastic, as if the city's entire population is in a perpetual state of readiness for an emergency en masse migration to the Mir Space Station.
- 5pence pieces are to small to be used for anything other than assisting with the removal of your trousers, because you continually give up fishing around in your pockets for the tiny b*ggers while at a busy counter and they eventually build up into a dead weight.
- Brisbane's population is so white in comparison to London's that I'm on the verge of starting a petition to have Brisbane renamed Vanilla Sky. Or legally declared part of Sweden.
- In any one hour in Croydon you will hear more languages spoken, see more hooded jumpers and watch more lit-up police cars speed past than in a year of walking the streets in Brisbane.
- Boots: the most popular pharmacy chain here, named after an item of apparell that has no medicinal qualities whatsoever (as you do) and selling prophylactics, pessaries, incontinence pads and ........... sandwiches. As you.....wait a MINUTE!?!
- I was serious about the public toilets last time.
Newsflashes from The Grey Havens
Brit Vacationers Done Both Ways:
The Channel Tunnel got shut down last Thursday after a truck caught fire halfway through. XL (one of Europe's giant holiday companies) then made like ABC Learning Centres and shut its doors crying poor later the same day, stranding thousands of holidaying Brits on the continent who's return flights were suddenly worth as much as the Zimbabwean dollar. Many of these already-disgruntled Limeys promptly went to book a train home from Paris instead......... ummm.
Since then, UK airlines have had to chip in to stage the biggest evacuation of Brits from the mainland since the Jerries had a bunch of them bottled up on the beach at Dunkirk. Over 100,000 and counting.
To Eat or To Heat?
Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced a bold plan to insulate the homes of pensioners and the poor to help reduce their gargantuan winter heating bills in coming years. No word yet on what these poor unfortunates will do this winter though - if The Sun's assessment of the costs are to be believed, am expecting an outbreak of cannibalism in the outer suburbs around Christmas-time. Annuva drumstick, me ol' mucker?
Heads Roll In The Corridors Of Power:
Back to PM Brown again. One of his own MPs called for a leadership challenge on Gordie late last week. Gordie went the axe on her, she go bye-bye. Since then, Gordie has made like Doctor Nick Riviera and surgically removed four of his MPs to make sure the cancer doesn't spread. As of tonight, it looks like he may need to don the gloves and weild the hatchet again. The neckbone's connected to the.... faction, the faction's connected to the... dole queue....
Economic Violet Crumble:
Airlines disappeared. More tour companies went down the gurgler. Banks disappeared up their own profit-loss margin. Headlines got even more hysterical. Could this be the beginning of the UK's first major depression since they choked again at the last World Cup? Stay tuned.
To The Point:
There were 834,691 stabbings in the UK this week. PM Brown implored the UK public to "smarten up, sharp-ish-like". Just kidding.
Anyway, enough from me. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to get decent enough internet access to send footage of UAE and Oman and my doings here in London. Until then, hope you're all doing well, and hope to hear from you. And if any of you feel like giving me some news from home I'm sure I wouldn't stab you for doing so.
Things I Have Done Since Last Time:
- Met up with the London branch of my old club basketball team Rocco's in Brisbane for their training session last Wednesday night. 'Twas good to have a touch of the familiar here, and to note that basketballers are the same the world over. And no, I don't mean they're all tall. You wallies.
- Sorted a good room in a great flat on uber-funky Bermondsey Street in SE1 (social stigma avoided -yasssss). Move in the first week of October.
- Finally got my National Insurance number sorted after numerous Tube-induced stuff-ups
- Sourced new suits while haggling with dodgy salesmen. For awhile there I was sure I was back in Luxor, until I stepped out into the rain.
- Went to the polo championships at Windsor on Sunday, which is extremely green and lovely, had a nifty day, met interesting people with interesting accents and was ordered to become friends with people on Facebook. As you do.
- Accidentally stumbled across a reality tv show based on town planners, hilariously called "Here Come The Planners" - a moniker which, for mine, conjures up images of folder-clutching, chino-wearing, spectacle-sporting hordes thundering round a suburban street corner and bearing down on the viewer brandishing application refusals and Information Requests like pitchforks. Was fun, lots of angry residents organising petitions and indignant small business owners trying to cover the camera with their hands. Some of you may have already been aware of this show's existence (I vaguely remember hearing of it), but it's existence proves that you can make a reality show on absolutely anything. Next Up at 7:30pm - Magnum: Practicing Accountant.
- Did a dry run in Croydon last Friday prior to starting work - "colourful".
- Started work for Croydon Council yesterday. So far, I'm thinking I was extremely spoilt at BCC. Old building, one old photocopier between 40, old equipment, decrepit online and information systems. Hmmm. Am waiting to get a better handle on the work itself before passing further judgement. The people are nice though, and the management is at least forward-thinking and open to new ideas. Cue my entrance, stage left.....
Observations and Absurdities Issue 2:
- Plants will grow anywhere here. I've seen ferns sprouting from a working satellite dish and a clump of grass waving jauntily at me from above a passing car's headlight like a cocked eyebrow. Quite charming actually.
- They don't mind a drink here. And sweet mother of God, they eat a lot of starch, wheat and potatoes as well. Heathrow Injection, anyone?
- Learnt about the historical basis for the team colours of Manchester United (red) and Leeds'(white) soccer teams and why they've got such a strong rivalry. In short: The War of the Roses, which began around 1460 between the House of Lancaster (whose emblem was a red rose) and the House of York (whose emblem was a white rose) to see who had the guff and numbers to rule England. Guess where each team is based - Man Utd: Lancashire. Leeds: Yorkshire. Kind of makes the Collingwood versus Essendon "tradition" look a bit put-on, really.
- Every scrap of food on London's supermarket shelves is hermetically sealed in plastic, as if the city's entire population is in a perpetual state of readiness for an emergency en masse migration to the Mir Space Station.
- 5pence pieces are to small to be used for anything other than assisting with the removal of your trousers, because you continually give up fishing around in your pockets for the tiny b*ggers while at a busy counter and they eventually build up into a dead weight.
- Brisbane's population is so white in comparison to London's that I'm on the verge of starting a petition to have Brisbane renamed Vanilla Sky. Or legally declared part of Sweden.
- In any one hour in Croydon you will hear more languages spoken, see more hooded jumpers and watch more lit-up police cars speed past than in a year of walking the streets in Brisbane.
- Boots: the most popular pharmacy chain here, named after an item of apparell that has no medicinal qualities whatsoever (as you do) and selling prophylactics, pessaries, incontinence pads and ........... sandwiches. As you.....wait a MINUTE!?!
- I was serious about the public toilets last time.
Newsflashes from The Grey Havens
Brit Vacationers Done Both Ways:
The Channel Tunnel got shut down last Thursday after a truck caught fire halfway through. XL (one of Europe's giant holiday companies) then made like ABC Learning Centres and shut its doors crying poor later the same day, stranding thousands of holidaying Brits on the continent who's return flights were suddenly worth as much as the Zimbabwean dollar. Many of these already-disgruntled Limeys promptly went to book a train home from Paris instead......... ummm.
Since then, UK airlines have had to chip in to stage the biggest evacuation of Brits from the mainland since the Jerries had a bunch of them bottled up on the beach at Dunkirk. Over 100,000 and counting.
To Eat or To Heat?
Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced a bold plan to insulate the homes of pensioners and the poor to help reduce their gargantuan winter heating bills in coming years. No word yet on what these poor unfortunates will do this winter though - if The Sun's assessment of the costs are to be believed, am expecting an outbreak of cannibalism in the outer suburbs around Christmas-time. Annuva drumstick, me ol' mucker?
Heads Roll In The Corridors Of Power:
Back to PM Brown again. One of his own MPs called for a leadership challenge on Gordie late last week. Gordie went the axe on her, she go bye-bye. Since then, Gordie has made like Doctor Nick Riviera and surgically removed four of his MPs to make sure the cancer doesn't spread. As of tonight, it looks like he may need to don the gloves and weild the hatchet again. The neckbone's connected to the.... faction, the faction's connected to the... dole queue....
Economic Violet Crumble:
Airlines disappeared. More tour companies went down the gurgler. Banks disappeared up their own profit-loss margin. Headlines got even more hysterical. Could this be the beginning of the UK's first major depression since they choked again at the last World Cup? Stay tuned.
To The Point:
There were 834,691 stabbings in the UK this week. PM Brown implored the UK public to "smarten up, sharp-ish-like". Just kidding.
Anyway, enough from me. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to get decent enough internet access to send footage of UAE and Oman and my doings here in London. Until then, hope you're all doing well, and hope to hear from you. And if any of you feel like giving me some news from home I'm sure I wouldn't stab you for doing so.
20 London Observations
Orright then.
After a week of doing nothing but sorting stuff out and combatting the Etihad flu while trekking all over the city of London, here are some of my general observations to celebrate my first week as a Londoner. I serve these up keeping in mind most of you have also been to or come from London and that I've also been here a few times before and have had most of these pop into my head before. Accuracy and objectivity not included. All generalisations are the result of the author's fever.
1. Londoners simply do not laugh during discussions and get-togethers, no matter how animated, excited or happy they are. They just don't laugh. Strange but true. Multiple Aussie friends confirm this from independent observations. (apologies to any and all Brits on this list who've lived here).
2. If you plan something involving travel on the Tube, kiss your schedule / reputation for reliability goodbye. Good but rubbish at the same time.
3. Everything you eat in London has half the flavour of its equivalent in Australia. I have scientifically verified this as a fact.
4. Getting to the train at London Bridge Station during rush hour is a officially a contact sport and, I suspect from its popularity, is being considered as a 2012 Olympic exhibition event.
5. London females - not a looker amongst 'em. I may be wrong or maybe I have high standards or expectations (I blame you entirely, Factor), but Australia's female population is streets ahead in the phwoarr stakes from what I've seen to date (again, apologies to all Brits reading this - note I've limited this to London).
6. If you step outside without an umbrella into a sunny day it will rain on you. Hard. And perhaps sweep any small children with you into the nearest drain (check out any British news website for the last few days).
7. There are no public toilets. At least none that I've been able to find. Good excuse to duck into a pub every few hours though.
8. English television can cure any good mood you may have.
9. Every London flat has at least one room that has no opening to the outside world. And smells like mould. Or cabbage.
10. London's Mayor, Boris Johnson, looks more and more like a circus clown who's just finished removing his makeup the more you see him on tellie. Someone needs to check his CV.
10. Water pressure - look it up, Boris. Seriously. How does anyone get soap or shampoo off themselves with the feeble dribble they give you here? It's like trying to open a door with a lettuce leaf.
11. If you unconsciously navigate by the sun and come from the southern hemisphere, you will get lost all day, every day and have suss men carrying nothing but what they keep playing with in their pocket following you until you reach a Tube station.
12. No matter how cold a day or night is, you will be sweating like a chav in a spelling bee after 2 minutes down in the Tube.
13. All Londoners can determine how long ago an Australian arrived in London after approximately 4-5 words of conversation.
14. Tesco's checkout staff are officially the most miserable people this side of Darfur.
15. The rest of London's population outside Tesco's is surprisingly more polite and friendly than they look - which is saying something, as most of them look like they'd happily Taser you if you got in their way walking down the street (see Observation 4).
16. Some of the Caribbean / African dudes walking around in London are easily the most attractive, well-put-together male specimens on the face of the Earth. This is not up for debate. Yes, I know how that sounds. You need to see these guys if that even popped into your head. Ridiculously unfair.
17. Milwall soccer fans could be dropped into war-zones to headbutt everyone into submission.
18. Any Londoner living within Zone 1 (close to the city centre) will grimace when you tell them you either work or have looked at flats in zones further out than Zone 1, and use the words "dodgy" or "colourful", which is Zone 1 code for "Stabsville" or "Seventh Circle of Hell".
19. London's tabloid newspapers are even worse than what you've heard - pray to god you never achieve any sort of fame whatsoever, because they will hear about you and find you and make you and your family, your friends, your ex-schoolmates, your work colleagues and your pet goldfish pay for it.
20. The buzz of this place is different in every suburb, but altogether fantastic. You don't get this kind of buzz anywhere else I've ever been.
There you go. That takes the place of me having any interesting news to report. You see how I did that? Nifty, wasn't it? Go on, don't act like you don't love it. I even slipped in an extra observation, just because it's my blog and I can. Hope you're all well.
After a week of doing nothing but sorting stuff out and combatting the Etihad flu while trekking all over the city of London, here are some of my general observations to celebrate my first week as a Londoner. I serve these up keeping in mind most of you have also been to or come from London and that I've also been here a few times before and have had most of these pop into my head before. Accuracy and objectivity not included. All generalisations are the result of the author's fever.
1. Londoners simply do not laugh during discussions and get-togethers, no matter how animated, excited or happy they are. They just don't laugh. Strange but true. Multiple Aussie friends confirm this from independent observations. (apologies to any and all Brits on this list who've lived here).
2. If you plan something involving travel on the Tube, kiss your schedule / reputation for reliability goodbye. Good but rubbish at the same time.
3. Everything you eat in London has half the flavour of its equivalent in Australia. I have scientifically verified this as a fact.
4. Getting to the train at London Bridge Station during rush hour is a officially a contact sport and, I suspect from its popularity, is being considered as a 2012 Olympic exhibition event.
5. London females - not a looker amongst 'em. I may be wrong or maybe I have high standards or expectations (I blame you entirely, Factor), but Australia's female population is streets ahead in the phwoarr stakes from what I've seen to date (again, apologies to all Brits reading this - note I've limited this to London).
6. If you step outside without an umbrella into a sunny day it will rain on you. Hard. And perhaps sweep any small children with you into the nearest drain (check out any British news website for the last few days).
7. There are no public toilets. At least none that I've been able to find. Good excuse to duck into a pub every few hours though.
8. English television can cure any good mood you may have.
9. Every London flat has at least one room that has no opening to the outside world. And smells like mould. Or cabbage.
10. London's Mayor, Boris Johnson, looks more and more like a circus clown who's just finished removing his makeup the more you see him on tellie. Someone needs to check his CV.
10. Water pressure - look it up, Boris. Seriously. How does anyone get soap or shampoo off themselves with the feeble dribble they give you here? It's like trying to open a door with a lettuce leaf.
11. If you unconsciously navigate by the sun and come from the southern hemisphere, you will get lost all day, every day and have suss men carrying nothing but what they keep playing with in their pocket following you until you reach a Tube station.
12. No matter how cold a day or night is, you will be sweating like a chav in a spelling bee after 2 minutes down in the Tube.
13. All Londoners can determine how long ago an Australian arrived in London after approximately 4-5 words of conversation.
14. Tesco's checkout staff are officially the most miserable people this side of Darfur.
15. The rest of London's population outside Tesco's is surprisingly more polite and friendly than they look - which is saying something, as most of them look like they'd happily Taser you if you got in their way walking down the street (see Observation 4).
16. Some of the Caribbean / African dudes walking around in London are easily the most attractive, well-put-together male specimens on the face of the Earth. This is not up for debate. Yes, I know how that sounds. You need to see these guys if that even popped into your head. Ridiculously unfair.
17. Milwall soccer fans could be dropped into war-zones to headbutt everyone into submission.
18. Any Londoner living within Zone 1 (close to the city centre) will grimace when you tell them you either work or have looked at flats in zones further out than Zone 1, and use the words "dodgy" or "colourful", which is Zone 1 code for "Stabsville" or "Seventh Circle of Hell".
19. London's tabloid newspapers are even worse than what you've heard - pray to god you never achieve any sort of fame whatsoever, because they will hear about you and find you and make you and your family, your friends, your ex-schoolmates, your work colleagues and your pet goldfish pay for it.
20. The buzz of this place is different in every suburb, but altogether fantastic. You don't get this kind of buzz anywhere else I've ever been.
There you go. That takes the place of me having any interesting news to report. You see how I did that? Nifty, wasn't it? Go on, don't act like you don't love it. I even slipped in an extra observation, just because it's my blog and I can. Hope you're all well.
The UAE and London
Masalaam alaikum, habibis,
Hope you're all well. I'm currently tapping this out on a laptop in London's southwest, with rain misting down outside and the BBC news anchors pumping out breathless updates on just how flooded Wales currently is and how much doo-doo Gordon Brown is in for not agreeing to handouts for struggling pensioners this winter (in both cases, very). A dark and stormy time for all here, apparently.
But enough of that - I promised an update on what I've been up to since leaving fair Bristanbul and, yea verily, I doth deliver. Unfortunately for you, Les, this is two paragraphs long already so I'll say ciao to you and move on with the details for all the rest of you stayers :p Read it in chunks if you need to. Most of you know how I write anyway.
United Arab Emirates: Amazing. Interesting. Fun. Disturbing. Dusty. Go see it for yourself if you haven't already, if only for the chance to see what unlimited funds, masses of cheap labour and very few building restrictions can get you. And where else in the world can you pull into a carpark filled with vehicles that cost more than your average Inala duplex and look like they've been made from pale yellow sand, I ask you?
After a murderous 12-hour flight (Peasant Class, long legs, you get the picture) I was met at Abu Dhabi airport by Mitch, a mate from my Enviro Planning degree. Mitch now works as a Project Environment Officer for Nahkeel, one of the biggest property developers on the planet and the company responsible for those shining examples of enviro-friendly sustainable development, The Palms and The World (amongst others). Over the course of the next day and a half, Mitch acted as my tour guide throughout the UAE and over the border in Oman.
Mitch lives in Dubai, an hour down the road from Abu Dhabi, so we drove there in his company-supplied 4WD gas-guzzler, with Mitch explaining his role and pointing out interesting buildings and interesting billboards showing where interesting buildings are soon to spring out of the desert in an interesting fashion (there were more of the latter).
To summarise Mitch's role, he gets to snorkel and scuba dive every week on Nahkeel's dollar, going out on company boats for days at a time to check the impacts of The Palms and The World on the surrounding marine environment. He also gets to drive all over the UAE examining and reporting on similar issues for Nahkeel's other projects, such as desalination plants and massive waterfront canal estates, and generally pulling up any workers doing anything dodgy or harmful to the environment. It may sound like a hiding to nothing to some of you, but it actually inspired me a tad - Mitch is finally getting to use the enviro science skills of our degree, something I haven't really had a chance to do as yet, and he's loving it.
Dubai itself, bizarrely, resembles the Gold Coast when viewed from the beaches. Only with taller skyscrapers. And more dirt-poor Bangladeshi workers welding things at the top of the beach. And much warmer, saltier water from the gargantuan desalination plants just up the coast. Honestly though, I sat back in the water and looked up at the skyline and it looked and felt strangely familiar. Aaaaanyway.
It was the first day of Ramadan when I arrived, so the streets weren't as busy as usual, therefore making them only twice as busy as Brisbane's streets. We went into the old section and the soukhs, took a few bumpy, jostly wooden dhow trips over the Dubai 'Creek' (which is wider than some rivers I've seen), bracing for each collision with other boats or the pier. Fun stuff.
Mitch flashed his credentials and we were onto the smaller Palms development, which is mostly finished. The massive arch-shaped hotel halfway out along the 'trunk' there (can't recall the name) had just had a major fire that morning (Mitch said that sort of thing gets covered up all the time) so we weren't allowed out to the end, but we explored some of the 'fronds' instead. Picture, if you will, endless rows of McMansions on steroids, packed in at twice the density than originally planned................and nothing else. Long curving roads lined with these massive $15 million 'villas', some with the odd dust-covered Lamborghini or Rolls Royce Phantom parked in the driveway, and nary a school, shop, hospital or police station in sight. It felt strangely "I Am Legend" once we got out to the finished sections with no workers in sight.
We also checked out The World (similar) and the incomplete Palm Deira, the larger of the two Palms - now I can say I know what 2million cubic metres of reclaimed sand looks like. It stretches 12kms out from the shore, and most of Dubai's towers are only vague shadows in the dusty distance when you're at the end. There's nothing but lots of heavy machinery and sand out there at the moment. And pipes. And large hills of aggregate everywhere. I saw a front end loader carrying a 20m section of 2m pipe (unsecured) nearly tip over when it came over a rise in the sand and the pipe overbalanced and started swinging up and down like a seesaw in the scoop. Amazing. Got video footage of a few things which I'll send tomorrow if I can figure out how.
The rest of the day was spent over the border in Oman. We went out into the real desert, miles from anywhere, and off-road up into these jagged, bone-dry razorback mountains to get to a wadi (waterhole) that Mitch sometimes camps at with mates. Spectacular.
The wadi was actually a series of waterfall pools in a narrow, near-vertical gorge high up above the plains below that you could plunge into from 4 metres above with burning feet and play with the desert frogs that lived there. We had an awe-inspiring view, framed by the walls of the gorge, to the huge cliffs about 500m away. I got some more footage there, and also turned the camera on when it started belting down with rain while driving through the desert. Mitch couldn't believe it.
When we got back to Al Ain (city on the border of UAE and Oman), all the roads were flooded because they don't have draining gutters or stormwater systems. Because IT NEVER RAINS. So the water just sat on the bitumen in huge pools and steamed.
We also went deep country to a tiny farming village where Mitch's uncle used to own a weekender shack, with Mitch explaining the phlanges (long concrete water channels) they use to irrigate their crops to me and chatting to the friendly locals in Arabic. Real earthy types, old traditional dress and these amazing weatherbeaten, chestnut-coloured faces and hands, eyes that sparkled - it felt like I could've been in Arabian Nights. Finally, approaching sunset, we went up a massive mountain (Jabbar Lafie I think) that has one of the Emirate's palaces perched on top like a Carnivale headress on a beggar. The view was phenomenal because (a) the rain had washed the dust out of the atmosphere and (b) its flat as a tack.
The scale of what's proposed for the UAE became clear up there. We were an hour's drive from Dubai and even at that distance there were 10km-by-10km squares marked out by rows of date palms and roads, ready to be filled with more water-hungry buildings and water-hungry people, as far as the eye could see, marking out the landscape in a series of patches. Mitch says that the goal is total development of the UAE. As in filling the place up. Seems a bit ambitious to me, but then again I don't earn 16 gajillion dollars a week from the rising price of oil, so what do I know?
Next morning I swam in the Gulf before we had to leave for Dubai, coming out salt-encrusted and feeling like I'd helped flavour a titanic soup. Then we were off, past all those billboards ("Nakheel: Adding 70km to Dubai's Coastline!!!") and all that desert, and to the airport. My impressions of the UAE? Some wonderful architecture and places, and mind-boggling career opportunities, but they're in a world of hurt if they don't start making buildings that don't require the equivalent of a Greenbank power plant each to run their airconditioning. The whole sustainability concept has been let in the door and then used to wipe over the glossy brochures for these mammoth white elephant developments to give them a smidgen of green, but that's all it really is.
Anyway, I'm here in London now, got in Tuesday night, and have been staying with a friend of a friend after wrestling my 30 kilo suitcase on and off numerous commuter-packed tubes and trains (How To Make Friends In London Tip 1: Hit them in the shins with your luggage. Multiple times. It's a winner!). Nothing huge to report yet as I've been sick (Etihad thinks their passengers need chilling to prevent them from going rotten, apparently) and busier than a Georgian UN representative. But I do still love London. Amazing place. I haven't done anything exciting as yet, but hey, the weekend is imminent. I'm sure I'll have something of note by next week.
Hope you're all well. I'm currently tapping this out on a laptop in London's southwest, with rain misting down outside and the BBC news anchors pumping out breathless updates on just how flooded Wales currently is and how much doo-doo Gordon Brown is in for not agreeing to handouts for struggling pensioners this winter (in both cases, very). A dark and stormy time for all here, apparently.
But enough of that - I promised an update on what I've been up to since leaving fair Bristanbul and, yea verily, I doth deliver. Unfortunately for you, Les, this is two paragraphs long already so I'll say ciao to you and move on with the details for all the rest of you stayers :p Read it in chunks if you need to. Most of you know how I write anyway.
United Arab Emirates: Amazing. Interesting. Fun. Disturbing. Dusty. Go see it for yourself if you haven't already, if only for the chance to see what unlimited funds, masses of cheap labour and very few building restrictions can get you. And where else in the world can you pull into a carpark filled with vehicles that cost more than your average Inala duplex and look like they've been made from pale yellow sand, I ask you?
After a murderous 12-hour flight (Peasant Class, long legs, you get the picture) I was met at Abu Dhabi airport by Mitch, a mate from my Enviro Planning degree. Mitch now works as a Project Environment Officer for Nahkeel, one of the biggest property developers on the planet and the company responsible for those shining examples of enviro-friendly sustainable development, The Palms and The World (amongst others). Over the course of the next day and a half, Mitch acted as my tour guide throughout the UAE and over the border in Oman.
Mitch lives in Dubai, an hour down the road from Abu Dhabi, so we drove there in his company-supplied 4WD gas-guzzler, with Mitch explaining his role and pointing out interesting buildings and interesting billboards showing where interesting buildings are soon to spring out of the desert in an interesting fashion (there were more of the latter).
To summarise Mitch's role, he gets to snorkel and scuba dive every week on Nahkeel's dollar, going out on company boats for days at a time to check the impacts of The Palms and The World on the surrounding marine environment. He also gets to drive all over the UAE examining and reporting on similar issues for Nahkeel's other projects, such as desalination plants and massive waterfront canal estates, and generally pulling up any workers doing anything dodgy or harmful to the environment. It may sound like a hiding to nothing to some of you, but it actually inspired me a tad - Mitch is finally getting to use the enviro science skills of our degree, something I haven't really had a chance to do as yet, and he's loving it.
Dubai itself, bizarrely, resembles the Gold Coast when viewed from the beaches. Only with taller skyscrapers. And more dirt-poor Bangladeshi workers welding things at the top of the beach. And much warmer, saltier water from the gargantuan desalination plants just up the coast. Honestly though, I sat back in the water and looked up at the skyline and it looked and felt strangely familiar. Aaaaanyway.
It was the first day of Ramadan when I arrived, so the streets weren't as busy as usual, therefore making them only twice as busy as Brisbane's streets. We went into the old section and the soukhs, took a few bumpy, jostly wooden dhow trips over the Dubai 'Creek' (which is wider than some rivers I've seen), bracing for each collision with other boats or the pier. Fun stuff.
Mitch flashed his credentials and we were onto the smaller Palms development, which is mostly finished. The massive arch-shaped hotel halfway out along the 'trunk' there (can't recall the name) had just had a major fire that morning (Mitch said that sort of thing gets covered up all the time) so we weren't allowed out to the end, but we explored some of the 'fronds' instead. Picture, if you will, endless rows of McMansions on steroids, packed in at twice the density than originally planned................and nothing else. Long curving roads lined with these massive $15 million 'villas', some with the odd dust-covered Lamborghini or Rolls Royce Phantom parked in the driveway, and nary a school, shop, hospital or police station in sight. It felt strangely "I Am Legend" once we got out to the finished sections with no workers in sight.
We also checked out The World (similar) and the incomplete Palm Deira, the larger of the two Palms - now I can say I know what 2million cubic metres of reclaimed sand looks like. It stretches 12kms out from the shore, and most of Dubai's towers are only vague shadows in the dusty distance when you're at the end. There's nothing but lots of heavy machinery and sand out there at the moment. And pipes. And large hills of aggregate everywhere. I saw a front end loader carrying a 20m section of 2m pipe (unsecured) nearly tip over when it came over a rise in the sand and the pipe overbalanced and started swinging up and down like a seesaw in the scoop. Amazing. Got video footage of a few things which I'll send tomorrow if I can figure out how.
The rest of the day was spent over the border in Oman. We went out into the real desert, miles from anywhere, and off-road up into these jagged, bone-dry razorback mountains to get to a wadi (waterhole) that Mitch sometimes camps at with mates. Spectacular.
The wadi was actually a series of waterfall pools in a narrow, near-vertical gorge high up above the plains below that you could plunge into from 4 metres above with burning feet and play with the desert frogs that lived there. We had an awe-inspiring view, framed by the walls of the gorge, to the huge cliffs about 500m away. I got some more footage there, and also turned the camera on when it started belting down with rain while driving through the desert. Mitch couldn't believe it.
When we got back to Al Ain (city on the border of UAE and Oman), all the roads were flooded because they don't have draining gutters or stormwater systems. Because IT NEVER RAINS. So the water just sat on the bitumen in huge pools and steamed.
We also went deep country to a tiny farming village where Mitch's uncle used to own a weekender shack, with Mitch explaining the phlanges (long concrete water channels) they use to irrigate their crops to me and chatting to the friendly locals in Arabic. Real earthy types, old traditional dress and these amazing weatherbeaten, chestnut-coloured faces and hands, eyes that sparkled - it felt like I could've been in Arabian Nights. Finally, approaching sunset, we went up a massive mountain (Jabbar Lafie I think) that has one of the Emirate's palaces perched on top like a Carnivale headress on a beggar. The view was phenomenal because (a) the rain had washed the dust out of the atmosphere and (b) its flat as a tack.
The scale of what's proposed for the UAE became clear up there. We were an hour's drive from Dubai and even at that distance there were 10km-by-10km squares marked out by rows of date palms and roads, ready to be filled with more water-hungry buildings and water-hungry people, as far as the eye could see, marking out the landscape in a series of patches. Mitch says that the goal is total development of the UAE. As in filling the place up. Seems a bit ambitious to me, but then again I don't earn 16 gajillion dollars a week from the rising price of oil, so what do I know?
Next morning I swam in the Gulf before we had to leave for Dubai, coming out salt-encrusted and feeling like I'd helped flavour a titanic soup. Then we were off, past all those billboards ("Nakheel: Adding 70km to Dubai's Coastline!!!") and all that desert, and to the airport. My impressions of the UAE? Some wonderful architecture and places, and mind-boggling career opportunities, but they're in a world of hurt if they don't start making buildings that don't require the equivalent of a Greenbank power plant each to run their airconditioning. The whole sustainability concept has been let in the door and then used to wipe over the glossy brochures for these mammoth white elephant developments to give them a smidgen of green, but that's all it really is.
Anyway, I'm here in London now, got in Tuesday night, and have been staying with a friend of a friend after wrestling my 30 kilo suitcase on and off numerous commuter-packed tubes and trains (How To Make Friends In London Tip 1: Hit them in the shins with your luggage. Multiple times. It's a winner!). Nothing huge to report yet as I've been sick (Etihad thinks their passengers need chilling to prevent them from going rotten, apparently) and busier than a Georgian UN representative. But I do still love London. Amazing place. I haven't done anything exciting as yet, but hey, the weekend is imminent. I'm sure I'll have something of note by next week.
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