Life In Bristanbul: November 2008

Wednesday 26 November 2008

LIFE BACK IN BLIGHTY

Great Odin's raven, could it really be a week-and-a-half since I bag-of-chalked back in the Roger from New York already? Where'd that go? I'm so shocked I'll be using cockney rhyming slang for the next few paragraphs.

Well, to sum it up, I've not done much but horse-and-cart about at work trying to catch up with thousands of urgent emails so that I don't end up on the Adrian Mole. That, and trying not to spend more than an Ayrton Senna per day (less than a Lady Godiva would be even better) as the ol' cab rank's a bit empty, and taking the dancing bears instead of the lift to try and regain some fitness, seeing as I haven't been near the Benny Hinn for weeks now (not keen on losing any more pieces-of-eight, y'feel me, guv'na?).

Oh yeah, and today I had my first court appearance for work. Had the distinct pleasure of being verbally skewered by a Tom Sawyer with a habit of constantly fiddling with his orchestra stalls as if he had a bad case of the Sandy McNabs. Well distracting, let me tell you. Didn't help that the policy base I was working from is completely up the Gary Glitter - more holes in it than a fishing net. I needed a Porta-Hole to throw down and disappear into.

Other than that I don't have much more wooden pews, personally. Coming up, I've got to find a titfer' for a dress-up birthday Moriarty next Friday night. Also have a weekend in Malta in January locked in (thanks fam! top Xmas pressie), as well as 2 weeks in Sri Lanka in February (should be an unbelievable lemon&lime, can't wait).

Right then, enough self-amusement. Here's what else has been happening here lately:

NEWS

You Say Recession, I Say Depression

In a sure sign that the Four Horsemen of the Financial Apocalypse are thundering down the final straight, retail behemoths Woolworths and BMI (homewares) both announced today that they're skint, the banks have called in all their debts and they're officially going under. 135,000 jobs or thereabouts gonnnnnnnnnnnne. The response from the government to the slavering feeding frenzy that is the UK's media was: "No bailout".

Oh, Thank You Darling

Alistair Darling, the UK's Chancellor of the Exchequer (that's publicschool-ese for Treasurer, don't you know, old bean) did the political equivalent of tempting a lost, hungry racehorse into his barn with sugarcubes this week by slashing the VAT. The government's publicly-stated reason for doing so is to keep all those rotund little Prada-consumers shopping their vacuous brains out leading up to Xmas and thereby avert an absolute economic disaster. I call it a blatant grab for votes in the next election and a desperate attempt to stop the villagers taking up the pitchforks and torches.

Do More, Damn You! With Less!

What a shock - more recession news. PM Mr Bean.... sorry, Gordie Brown made the suggestion that all the UK's local governments must make over 1.5 billion pounds' worth of "efficiency cuts" before the end of the financial year. Because the local governments are so flush with cash right now. And they're operating so efficiently right now too. An example for illustration: My floor at work seats 110 people and has one scanner. Which only works if you give it a good belting and look menacingly at it. Guess I'll be nipping out to the local internet cafe for all my scanning needs next year. If I still have a job.

Arctic Monkeys

Sunday just gone saw snow on the rooftops south of the Thames, and it's getting that cold again now and for the rest of the week..... with rain every day. Just capital. It's been so cold in the mornings the last two days that I daren't stop moving while outdoors in case the hoarfrost gets at my appendages. Walking to the train station this morning it was so cold I went cross-eyed and my Hampstead Heath felt like they were going to drop out. Did I mention it was getting a tad chilly here? I may be forced to ....(shudder)... go shopping for more warm clothes. I feel like taking a shower after saying that.

And Finally, The World's Most Thrilling, Unbelievably Mind-Blowing News

Yes, in what must surely be the entertainment industry's signing of the century, the new Cinderella pantomime coming out for Xmas here in London has announced it's top-billing star...... STEVE GUTTENBERG!!!!!!!!!!! That's right kiddies, the international acting wunderkind, mesmerising star of such epic and avant-garde opuses as the Police Academy trilogy and........ well, he's taken time out from his gruelling schedule of occasional guest star spots, infomercials and checking his answering machine to bless the good folk of London and the world of panto with his megawatt starpower. I, for one, am absolutely lost for words to describe the extent of my excitement.

Okay, I'm well Kerry'd, so I'll say toodle-oo for now. Hope you're all well :)

Wednesday 19 November 2008

NOO YAWK? FAWGEDDABOUDIT!!

Right then, the trick here is how to tell y'all about everything I did and saw in my 7 days in Noo Yawk without this turning into something resembling the complete works of Shakespeare. Hmmm. Dot points always seem to go down a treat, so here ya go.

THINGS I DID / SAW / EXPERIENCED IN THE BIG APPLE:

Stayed for the duration of my trip in Spanish Harlem with my Aussie mate Scott, who's a bar manager uptown. His apartment tower also houses an opera singer and a classical violinist, who would each practice at volume every second day or so - fantastic, so New York.
The Veteran's Day Parade (complete with hundreds of big, loud, hilarious skinhead NYFD fireys)
5th Avenue (the whole thing)
The vast NBA Store (great for watching classic old games on their big screens)
The Empire State Building observatory
The Museum of Natural History
The Met (for about 15 minutes before it shut!)
Central Park and the surrounding avenues with their ultra-pricey real estate and flocks of poodles to match
Macy's and Bloomingdales (yawn - they're just shops, people)
The USS Intrepid aircraft carrier museum
The Circle Line Boat Cruise right around Manhattan (if there's one thing I'd recommend if you've only got a few days in New York, it's this - you get to see the amazing change from downtown to the forested northern tip of the island and the gorgeous 300-ft Pallisades cliffs across the Hudson River and everything inbetween, with commentary)
Grand Central (did a free tour, guided by a guy who is Les Murphy's American cousin, I swear! Fantastic tour, too)
The Madison Square Garden all-access tour (not too bad - plus you get $20 Knicks tickets if you show your pass after the tour!)
Two, count 'em, two New York Knicks basketball games - great atmosphere, upgraded our seats on our own initiative each time..... ahem.
Times Square (about 25 times - involuntarily!)
Two ultra-famous outdoor basketball courts that hosted players like Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Dr J in their youth and after they'd turned pro, not to mention hundreds of other NBA players who've come along each summer to pit their skills against the uber-talented streetballin' New York locals. Rucker Park (Harlem) and The Cage (Greenwich Village).
The Cathedral of St John the Baptist up in Harlem (3rd largest in the world)
Explored Harlem in its entirety, and basically every single neighbourhood south of Harlem - Hells Kitchen, Greenwich Village, Little Italy, Chinatown, Tribeca, Soho, Wall Street and the Financial District, the East Village, the Lower East Side, etc etc. No idea how many km's I racked up, but it was plenty, I'm tellin' ya. Went just about everywhere on Manhattan.
Even went out to Queens one night, but that was a mistake - the only subway I got wrong the whole time I was there!

And here's the best part - I did it all on just over $350USD. Yep, the free accomodation with Scott (cheers mate) knocked the cost of living way down, but all this talk about New York being expensive is loco, esay. Food is ultra-cheap, so's the public transport if you get the right MetroCard, and how many handbags and shoes do you REALLY need to buy when you're there? Get out of the McBland I-could-be-in-any-city-on-Earth chain stores and go find the real stuff, people. Not to buy, to experience.

And the people. New Yorkers rock. This may come as a wee surprise to those of you who know how anti-American I am, but I was out on the streets from early morning til sometimes after 8 or 9pm and it was non-stop politeness (genuine, mind you, not the saccharine Disney stuff other Yanks sometimes lay on), cheerfulness, vibrancy, comedy, friendliness and flat-out helpfulness the whole way. I could easily spot the New Yorkers from the "other" Americans too - something about the out-of-towners seemed a bit harsher and they stuck out once they opened their gobs.

The only other place where I've had so many offers of help from strangers on the street is Seoul, but New Yorkers are funnier and far more gregarious than South Koreans (hmmm, looks like Captain Obvious just entered the conversation). Not that I was always getting such offers, mind you - one day I got asked for directions by 5 different people at different stages of the day, because apparently with my blue-and-black-striped scarf (thank you soooo much, Li'l Shakes) and the way I was walking ("You walk like you MEAN it", a gigantic black dude told me) I looked like a local. Curiouser and curiouser.

Harlem was a whole 'nother level above the rest of the city though - I had more hilarious / interesting / helpful / genuine random conversations with strangers of all ages in 4 hours walking around Harlem as the only white face in sight than I did the rest of the week, and the week was full of such encounters. Even got to talk town planning and Marxism for about 20 minutes with a homeless dude outside a diner I'd just left. I ain't going to be trying that here in London, let me tell ya.

Anyway, to sum up, I did New York on the cheap, the weather turned bad halfway through, I had the flu grinding me down every single day I was there and I still had one of the best damn weeks of my life. New York is easily my second-favourite place on Earth outside that big white place down the bottom end, no beg-your-pardons. I could easily go back and live there tomorrow if only those damn visas weren't so hard to get. If you've never been, get yourself a $25 seven-day unlimited MetroCard, get a 2- or 3-day New York Pass to get into as many of the above touristy things as you can manage, and you'll be laughing. So, who wants to meet me there in May?

NEW YORK PICS

San Francis........uh, I mean, Brookly Bridge

Almost courtside at Madison Square Garden, New York Knicks -v- Dallas Mavericks.

Operation "Free Seat Upgrade": successful. Yassssss. Scotty and I about 16 rows back from halfcourt.

NBA action: Knicks -v- Mavs. Da Knicks lost in overtime dough, dose bums.

"The Cage" basketball court in Greenwich Village, freezing cold and windy as hell!

At the world-famous Holcombe Rucker Memorial Park basketball court in deepest Harlem.

End of Autumn in Central Park.

Bethesda Fountain, Central Park.

Children's Sculptures, Cathedral of St John the Baptist.

Inside the Cathedral of St John the Baptist (largest church in USA, third largest on Earth).

Cathedral of St John the Baptist, Harlem.

Madison Square Garden, Knicks - v - Oklahoma City Thunder.

Think you can figure out where...

American Express' memorial to the 11 staff it lost in the World Trade Centre disaster.

USS Intrepid flight deck and midtown Manhattan.

New York icons, London weather.

Subway recovery.

Scott's gang at the college bar.

Dinner at the Seinfeld Diner.

Madison Square Garden Tour (getting set up for the AC/DC concert in the background).

Grand Central Main Concourse.

Grand Central Terminal (not a station, apparently!)

Empire State Building

Empire State pidgeons

Veteran's Day Parade

Pugs: patriotic

Veteran's Day Marching Band, Flatiron Building, Madison Square Park

DORSET - ZHERA'S SURPRISE 30TH WEEKEND

Just quickly - I went down to the south coast county of Dorset the weekend before I took off to New York for my friend Zhera's surprise 30th birthday weekend getaway with all her friends (as organised by her hubby Mark). Great weekend. The car I was in only just arrived as Zhera and Mark's cab pulled up, so we had to sneak into this big country cottage out in the middle of nowhere right past Zed as she stood flailing about in the driveway with her blindfold on - we came running in the back door just as the first "Surprise!!" calls erupted, just in time. Phew. The rest of the weekend was markets, beachside cliffs, gobsmacking food (we all paired up to do a different course per pair for dinner saturday night) and too much wine appreciation. Great way to spend a weekend!

DORSET PICS

Wednesday 5 November 2008

DUBLIN, HALLOWEEN, JAMES BOND & THE CHIEF

Well well, a brave new world's dawned upon us, with The Cool Drink of Water trouncing Grandpoppy Maverick in the race to become Grand Poobah of the Free World (plus the USA, which is officially a corporate arm of Sony these days, I believe).

It was quite the spectacle here last night and this morning, with thousands of expat Yankees partying the night away in American-themed bars, clubs and function rooms all over London until the dawn, when the new Prez was ushered in with bulletproof glass either side of him and higher expectations than JFK. Indeed.

I've walked into some difficult jobs here and there, but never one where two neo-nazis wanted to ice dozens of people like me and then string me up as well, all while wearing....... white top hats and tails. Actually, if that's not the funniest goddam story I've heard all month I don't know what is. "Hot damn, Cleatus! Y'know wha' we all should dew?! We shed put ohn some fancy clothes like what that there Colonel Sanders yewsed to and go get us some guns from Mama's shed and go shoot that uppity Barrack Osama!" "Hooee Billy-bob, y'all's smarter'n a raccoon in a trashcan - they won't never know it was us in those gitups!". White supremacy at its weirdest.

Anyhoo, since my last visit to this little online soapbox, I've been to Dublin and back (see piccies below). My first night there was Halloween, so of course lining up at the Ryan Air desk was fun. One gentleman was sporting a very fetching full wetsuit-n-goggles ensemble already; even better, Customs let him on the plane wearing it. Huzzah for officials with a sense of humour.

So, to Dublin - the city of gorgeous women and hilarious blokes. First day/night in Dublin I:

Took a quick look around Dublin's main streets;
Sourced a doctor's labcoat for my costume after directions from a canny marketstall owner (if you're lost in any city, go to a market for directions - my hit rate is perfect so far);
Stumbled across the Sinn Fein bookstore (complete with authentic burnt-out building behind it);
Met my mate Matt at a proper non-touristy pub for some sweet-tasting pints of Guiness - not a single headbutt to be had. Obviously Milwall fans only go to Spain on their holidays;
Checked into our hotel and worked our magic on our blood-soaked doctor's outfits for the evening. Desk staff were goggle-eyed when we walked downstairs and through the lobby to the front door;
Wandered round the streets and a few bars, meeting Aussies and Seppos and trying to think up new lines for everyone who wanted a go on our stethoscopes. When in doubt - "I concur". When trying to get through crowded sections - "Emergency! Step aside please! Emergency!". Seemed to work a treat;
Spent half and hour in the packed scrum outside the tickets-only nightclub venue for the evening, gawping at the amount of effort and sophistication the Irish had put into their costumes - those people love a good dress-up. And never in my life have I seen so many gals poured into midriff-top / micro-tutu / knee-high-socks / 5-inch-heels combos in one place before. Helped that they're all far easier on the ocular in Ireland than in the UK, too;
Met Matt's four Irish lady friends once they arrived at the club, had a fun night talking rubbish and dancing like big dancing things. Home in bed by 4am-ish.
Of course my bank (HSBC for anyone wanting to avoid similar near-catastrophes) tried desperately to completely shanghai the weekend by locking off both my credit card AND my debit card for no goddam reason (I gave them a reaming yesterday and they had nothing), but I'd been burnt once before (see St Albans post) so I'd already withdrawn a wad of cash before I left the UK. Getitupye', HSBC.

Next day (Saturday) I:

did the tourist standard, the world-famous Guiness Brewery Tour. Wasn't too bad, very comprehensive and it brought home just how influential Guiness have been globally (Guiness Book of World Records ring a bell?). And if I could have a pair of forearms like those coopers (barrel-makers for those of you younger than 70) did back in the day I'd be well pleased with myself - all they needed were corncob pipes and a can o'spinach in the back pocket to complete the image. Not the blokes to challenge to an arm-rassle. Or shake hands with after they'd had a few pints o' the black stuff.
Walked around for hours trying to get mobile phone fixed as that, too, decided to chuck its toys out of the cot and stopped working, as I was supposed to meet up with Matt later that day. No go.
Did the Dublin Castle tour instead (With Real Viking Ruins!), plus a few more of the sights. Still an okay day because Dubliners are leagues friendlier than Londoners and funny as hell.

Sunday, flew home, dumped stuff, changed and went to the new Bond movie at The Odeon in Leicester Square with some of the English friends. Does anyone disagree with me when I say Quantum of Solace was bleaker and tougher than the last one without as much fun in it? Still enjoyed it but the latest Bond incarnation is far more of a headkicker than ol' Roger "Camper Than Julian Cleary" Moore's version was, that's for sure. Anyway, following the flick the friends showed me some nifty bars and I FINALLY got to have a nibble at The Garrison GastroPub directly across the road from my place. And yea verily, it was good.

Tonight, it's Guy Fawke's Night, and as I sit here in my flat typing this stream-of-consciousness-style I can hear cracks and pops and thuds and the occasional window-rattling, car-alarm-triggering boom all around me. Was invited to Clapham Common to throw double bungers around and no doubt lose an appendage, but was just way too tired from consecutive-nights-beyond-count on the go. That's one thing I'm finding here - there's always something you have to do / take care of after you leave work, and most of the time it ain't related to socialising, dagnabit.

Next week, to break that contemptible cycle, I'm away in New York, so probably won't post anything while there, but fear not, the mindless drivel shall continue the week after. With rubbish photos of New York to accompany it too. I can almost hear you all drooling onto your workpants in anticipation. I expect nothing less. Hope you're all well.