NEWS FROM THE OLD DART

- UK Knifing Epidemic Set To Reach Highest Level

Yes, that's right, I'm talking Downing Street again, people. After the washing-machine-like lead-up to the Labour Cabinet re-shuffle, PM Gordie's crew has stunned everyone by appointing........ a former Labour MP who's been sacked twice already and who's said to be PM Gordie's most venomous opponent. Confused? So's everyone here. Rumour has it that a few years back the PM said to a reporter "Peter Mandelson once asked me for 10p to call a friend; I gave him 20p and told him to call them all". Even better, a few days before he was re-appointed to government Mandelson unloaded an enormous dump of Brown-specific vitriol to......... a member of the Conservative Opposition. Sounds like they'll get along the way mongooses and rattlesnakes get along. I told you UK politics was far more entertaining than the Australian "Accountants-In-Power" version.

- Can't Cop Racism

You'd think multicultural England would've come a long, long way since the grimy '60's, when football fans still threw bananas at the black players (yes, this happened all the time apparently). But maybe not. The Met's Chief of Police resigned after a week's worth of claims that racism was rampant in the Force (apparently forced out by Bozo the Mayor, of all people - probably threatened him with the ol' water-in-the-eye-from-the-lapel-flower routine). Now the head of the Black Police Association is urging ethnic minorities not to apply for a cadetship with the Police, saying there's indemic racism throughout and black or ethnic officers have to work twice as hard as white officers to get a promotion.

- Febrile Economy Goes From Bad To Vortextual

Someone get me a parachute: according to every single news outlet across the Grey Havens, the UK economy is officially in freefall. Officially classified as a recession now, the UK economy is just one breathless headline of woe and doom after another. The Beeb (as the BBC is referred to by journos with nary a whisp of creativity) carries round-the-clock interruptions of its regular news taking the viewers LIVE ON LOCATION to Wall Street/US Congress/Downing Street etc where sober-looking men in sober-looking suits recount up-to-the-minute developments in the crisis with a finger stuck in their ear and appropriately furrowed eyebrows. Confidence in any of the UK's banks has made like a mango daquiri an AA meeting by disappearing quickly and stealthily. Numerous surveys continue to scream figures like "40%+ of Britons Planning To Leave UK In Coming Year" (wonder where they'll go to avoid the crunch - the UAE's already reached and breached it's Limey saturation point). The four biggest UK banks left (after Lehmans gasped its last) are all pleading, nay demanding PM Gordie deliver a bailout package ala the Yanks and the Paddys. Another Depression looms. Anyone want to go halves in some really cheap shares with me?